Chapter Four: The Fantasy's Conclusion
"Are you the Dragon Of Enlightenment?"
This voice was not doubtful. This voice was not nervous. This voice barked out with command, and with all the authority and rage of a king who has been wronged.
"Don't bark at me, little man," I said. "I am not the Dragon of Rage. That's Cousin Chuck, up in the blue mountains of the north."
Then I looked down. The little man at my feet was not a knight. He was a stately man, dressed in robes of royal scarlet. He was a king. The king of Westerbluff.
"I will bark at whoever I choose," he barked.
"Then bark," I said with a yawn. "But you don't fool me. Dogs bark, but even a dog's barking is more enlightened than the mutterings of kings."
"You lied to my knight." The king said, still barking.
"I did not."
"You did."
"Nonsense, little dog-man. What lie did I tell?"
"You told him that I should have all my knights strip naked, cluck like chickens, and do the hokey-pokey across the battlefield."
I couldn't help it. I laughed aloud. "Did it work?" I asked innocently. "Did you win?"
The increasing purple of the king's face was all the answer I needed. It occurred to me then to wish that Cousin Chuck was here right now; that would be a battle worth watching.
"So you don't deny it?" the king demanded, still in that barking tone of voice.
"Of course I don't deny it. That's exactly what I told him."
"It was a lie."
"Lies, shmies. I am not the Dragon Of Truth, I am the Dragon of Enlightenment. If you want truth, you should go visit Uncle Ned over in Southervale."
The king clearly had no intention of visiting Uncle Ned over in Southervale. "How can you say your answer was enlightened?" he demanded.
"Well, my dear little poochie-king," I said, "which do you think is more enlightened? To do the hokey-pokey, or to chop people's arms, legs, and heads off with nasty little battle-axes?"
Clearly this gave the king pause for thought. After a moment he said with a hissing quality that sounded more like a cat than a dog, "Well, you tell me, oh wise and enlightened one, which do you think is more enlightened? To chop off a few arms, legs, and heads, or to allow your people to be dragged off into slavery and butchery at the hands of a villainous king?"
I yawned. "Or perhaps it would be more enlightened for you to hold fast to the virtue of peace in the face of adversity, thereby making the world a better place, rather than the bloodthirsty realm it already is."
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"Or perhaps," the king responded, the volume of his voice rising with his anger, "it would be more enlightened to protect and guard all the other virtues we hold, instead of sacrificing them all for the sake of one, so that virtue can die in this world."
"Perhaps," I said calmly, "it would be more enlightened for you to stop pretending you have any virtues at all, for the greatest of all virtues is humility, which you seem not to have at all."
He glared at me and retorted, "Perhaps it would be more enlightened for you to stop pretending you are God, deciding which virtues are most important."
"Oh, well," I said, "now that you mention it, there is no God anyway."
The king stared at me. "What?" he demanded.
"There is no God." I repeated. "Every truly enlightened person knows that."
The king continued staring in disbelief.
In the ensuing silence an armor-clad toad hopped across my path and became my morning appetizer. I used his tiny spear to pick bits of armor out of my teeth.
"No God?" the king repeated.
I shook my head. "No God."
"None?"
"None."
"Are you sure?"
"Mmm-hmmm."
"Positive?"
"Positive."
"But..."
"Yes?"
"Well..."
There was something troubling the little man, so I waited for him to put it into words. "If there's...uh...well, if there's no God..."
"Yes?"
"Then who's deciding which of us is more enlightened?"
"Why, you silly little toad," I roared, laughing, "I am!"
His only reply was a meek and woeful little croak.
The Author's Tediously Uninteresting Ramblings
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