Purchasing, Downloading, Installing Norton 360
Or: How Not To Spend Your Weekend5:30 AM: I start up my computer and am greeted once again with the reminder that my Norton Anti-Virus Software Subscription is going to expire soon. What shall I do about it? Well, I've got a few minutes to kill, since I'm up so early this morning. I guess I might as well click the "Renew" option...it'll be easy and simple and painless, because - after all - if Symantec can create software that protects my computer from intruders, they can certainly create a functional website!
Okay, let's see...I need to choose my product. Oh...Norton 360 looks nice - it has a couple features I'd like to have. I'll select that. And I don't want to wait for it to be mailed to me, so I'll choose the download option.
Now I need to fill out my personal/credit card information. Name, address, email address, telephone number...
Okay, this is odd. They have two spaces for the telephone number, like they want me to put half of it in one spot, the other half in the other spot. Only, of course, there are actually three parts. Area code, local code, and number. So, do they want me to enter my area code in the first part of the telephone blank, and then the local code and number in the second? And do they want me to hyphenate the two parts that go in the second blank? Well, since there's no explanation of how they want the telephone number formatted, I'll just take a guess.
After all, this is Symantec. They're professional. They can interpret a phone number...
Okay, continue on. Credit card number, expiration date. Oh, and they have very kindly pre-checked the options for mailing list. I think I'll uncheck those, since I already get enough junk email!
And...SUBMIT!
What's this? There was an error? What was the error? Oh! They don't like the way I formatted my telephone number. Seems as though, if they were going to be picky about it, they should have told me how they wanted it formatted! Okay, well, I'll just edit my order information.
Except...there's no "edit" button!.
There is, however, a link that reads: "Please use your browser's back button to edit your order..."
WHAT? Have these guys graduated from Web Design 101 yet? What kind of an idiot puts an instruction like that on a "professional" website?
But, okay, I guess I can do this...uncertain of the outcome, I press 'Back'
Now I am dismayed to discover that all my entries are blank. Except, of course, for those junk mail checkboxes; they're checked again.
*sigh*
So I re-enter all my information, and this time choose a different way of formatting my telephone number. Hopefully they'll like this one better.
Yay! This time we're good, although the fact that these guys don't even know how to build a shopping cart makes me skeptical about their software...
Well, I'm ready to download now. So, I click the download button.
*waits*
*waits*
Hmm...now there's a prompt to install an ActiveX control
I install ActiveX control.
*waits waits waits*
Now the download begins. Recognizing that this could take awhile, I decide to go upstairs and watch an episode of Smallville. I return, much later, to find...
The download is finished! Wait...what's this? "FILE IS CORRUPT"
Not to be easily deterred or dismayed, I click the Download link again. This time it doesn't pause for more than a handful of seconds, before it says: "FILE IS CORRUPT"
Apparently, it's no longer trying to download; it's just recognizing that the file has already been downloaded, and therefore won't let me download it again.
Brilliant idea, my Symantec friends!! (Before the day is over, this will not be the only time I congratulate them on their utter brilliance, just so you know)
Well, I notice that they had an option for a Windows based downloader program. I guess I can try that. So I download the downloader. Poetic, isn't it?
"FILE IS CORRUPT"
"FILE IS CORRUPT"
At this point I consider contacting technical support, but first I decide to search the knowledge base. The knowledge base talks about a "Download Cleaner". I guess that's a file to sweep away corrupted files, so you can start over from scratch.
So now I download the download cleaner. Even more poetic.
While it's downloading, I move back upstairs to continue watching Clark Kent mooning over Lana Lang.
At last the download is done. Now let's begin installation... "Extracting Files..."
*wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait*
I really don't know that I've ever seen any program (except Visual Studio.Net) take so long extracting files. In the future, to save time typing, whenever Symantec extracts these files again, instead of typing: *wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait*, I will merely type: * wait^9 *. It'll be simpler that way. Trust me.
Let's see, what is the installer telling me now? "Live Update Is Running. You need to halt this application. Setup will now halt."
So, I shut off live update, and run setup again...
"Extracting Files..."
* wait^9 *
"A previous version of Norton Internet Security needs to be uninstalled. Setup will now halt."
So I unstall the old version, am informed that Windows needs to reboot, and so I click the "restart" link. Now, with the computer restarted, I run the installer again.
"Extracting Files..."
* wait^9 *
"Another copy of Windows Installer is running. Please wait for it to finish. Setup will now halt."
I wait. I run it again.
"Extracting Files..."
* wait^9 *
"Setup has determined that you did not reboot the computer after uninstalling a pervious version of Norton Internet Security. Please reboot your computer. Setup will now halt."
Now, I distinctly remember rebooting the computer after uninstalling Norton Internet Security, but if Norton says I didn't, I'm sure I must have done something wrong. Maybe, simply because I was so irritated, I clicked the 'shutdown' button too hard, and Norton decided to punish me for my belligerence.
So here we go...REBOOT!
"Extracting Files..."
* wait^9 *
"Windows Defender must now be uninstalled. Setup will now halt."
Uninstalling...
"Extracting Files..."
* wait^9 *
Ah...at last! It's installed! But wait...the first thing it needs to do is check for updates online. Right?
* waits^25 * (I'm pretty sure you can figure out what that means!)
"LiveUpdate could not complete. Error 5"
So, I assume this is a fluke, and go through the live update two more times...
* waits^25 *
LiveUpdate could not complete. Error 5
* waits^25 *
LiveUpdate could not complete. Error 5
I guess I need to search for information on this error. After a little bit of research, I discover that LiveUpdate service needs to be "registered". So I click the button to "register" LiveUpdate.
"This website wants to install the ActiveX control blah blah blah. Click Ok to allow."
I click "Ok"
"This website wants to install the ActiveX control blah blah blah. Click Ok to allow."
I click "Ok"
"This website wants to install the ActiveX control blah blah blah. Click Ok to allow."
I click "Ok"
"This website wants to install the ActiveX control blah blah blah. Click Ok to allow."
I click "Ok"
"This website wants to install the ActiveX control blah blah blah. Click Ok to allow."
I click "Ok"
"This website wants to install the ActiveX control blah blah blah. Click Ok to allow."
I click "Ok"
"This website wants to install the ActiveX control blah blah blah. Click Ok to allow."
I click "Ok", then remember that lunchtime was about 3 hours ago, and I haven't had anything to eat yet. So I fix a roast beef sandwich. Mmm...a bright point in my day...
When I return, the ActiveX message is gone, and has been replaced by a "Continue" button. Like one of Pavlov's dogs, I have been properly conditioned to click "Continue" buttons. So I do.
Nothing happens.
I click it again. And again. And again. With each click my Pavlovian conditioning diminishes, until at last I just click the little "X" in the upper right corner of the window.
That feels much better.
Now, approximately 12 hours after I started this process, I'm downloading the Live Update Clean program This program, like the "Download Cleaner", is designed to clean up the mess which has been made of your computer by a faulty download/installation.
According to the Symantec website, "LUClean tool will run quickly and silently."
I quickly realized that this is a simple euphemism for: "We forgot to put a 'Success!' message box in the program, so you'll never know when the program is complete. We'll tell you it's 'quick and silent' so you'll think we're doing you a favor by not giving any sense of closure to your LUClean experience."
Brilliant work once again, guys. Ranks right up there with "Press your browser's back button to start your order over from scratch."
So now, holding my breath and hoping for the best, I launch the Live Update launcher. Hmm...launching the launcher. These guys are really wonderfully brilliant, aren't they?
This launcher is downloading and installing yet another program on my computer, so I go back upstairs to watch Chloe Sullivan mooning over Clark Kent, while Whitney Fordman expresses his unending supply of jealousy toward the aforementioned Clark Kent.
Now I return, to discover a message saying that LiveUpdate could not be repaired, because either my computer didn't have the right operating system, or it didn't have enough memory, or it wasn't fast enough
I'm surprised it didn't say that LiveUpdate couldn't be repaired because my Credit Card limit wasn't high enough.
At this point I'm starting to get the tiniest inkling of a whisper of an idea that maybe Mr. Norton (for all his brilliance) doesn't have a clue what he's talking about.
But never fear, now I can run the Norton AutoFix Tool. And this tool will solve all my problems.
After forcing me to reboot my computer one last time...
Concluding Notes: I began this process at approximately 5:30 AM, and have been working at it ever since. It is now 7:00 PM, and Norton is telling me it has successfully downloaded my updates, but now I have to reboot my computer, AGAIN!
On the bright side, I'm almost finished watching Season Two of Smalllville.
Finally, I feel I should mention that it was tempting to exaggerate this whole story, and some readers will think I did exaggerate. The truth is, though, I realized there is no need for exaggeration; the story is beautiful just as it stands.
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